My 365

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Help Wanted

There is a position opening for anyone looking for an exciting, fulfilling and somewhat demanding job.  This is a prestigious position and I will be happy to give a full job description.

Be warned:  There is an extensive, painstaking, laboring and uncomfortable interview process that may take up to two days or more to complete.  Only the strong will survive.

Position Title:  Full Time Assistant to company CEO and Vice President.  Company name is subjective at this time.

Salary:  N/A...this position is done "out of the goodness of your heart".  The rewards are great but not monetary.

Description:  Must be on call 24 hours a day to fulfill every need, physical, mental and emotional of both CEO and Vice President.  Must be bilingual as the bosses speak very broken English.  You will be responsible for all the meals and snacks, this includes grocery shopping and preparing the food.  You are also responsible for the clean up of aforementioned food as well as any other mess the CEO or Vice President create either separately or together.  It is suggested that you simply follow them around with a dust buster.  These particular bosses can be moody and tempermental and argumentative with each other.  You will be required to act as go-between for them and resolving any arguments with as little bloodshed as possible.  But when there is bloodshed you are also required to administer the proper medical attention as well as cleaning up any equipment broken in the process.  There is also some handyman experience needed as you will probably need to fix holes in walls, broken recreational equipment, maybe some light plumbing as well.  You must also act as chauffer, making sure the CEO and Vice President get to all their appointments, meetings, lunches and dates on time.  You must make sure your employer is in bed at a decent hour but don't worry about having to wake them up...they will do that for you and very early.  They require their clothes to be laundered and/or dry cleaned and selected for them.  Most days they can change clothes two to three times, so be prepared for a large workload.

Occasionaly you will be provided with a temporary assistant to help with the smaller chores, but these are usually only available after 3:00 p.m. and their fees will be taken from your non-existent pay check.

If you are strong enough to stay with the company for an extended period of time you will be promoted to Executive Assistant and the following duties will be added.  The CEO and Vice President will be continuing their education and therefore you will now be responsible for dropping them off and picking them up from classes.  You will need to purchase their school supplies as well as assisting them with any work or assignment.  This sometimes requires staying up all night.  The addition of their educational duties will also bring with it extracurricular activities.  These are also your responsibility to purchase the necessary equipment and to get your bosses to and from their practices on time.  Occasionally you will need to provide drinks and snacks for not only them but their teammates as well.

If you can make it through Phase Two which ends with the CEO and Vice President taking their positions to a remote location, then you shall be rewarded with a vacation.  This can take up to 18 years or more to happen.  You will still be required to be on call but the frequency should decrease considerably.  You will also be responsible for any monetary needs and will need to form a relationship with your banker.  However this is the final step before retirement and what a sweet retirement it will be.  Our retirement package is unmatched by any other.  It includes, but is not limited to, extensive periods rest, leisurely walks, traveling and eventually junior CEO's and Vice President's that you will be able to supervise and then relinquish to your former CEO and Vice President.

If this position sounds right for're crazy.  But I think you'll find yourself very happy with the result after years of hard work and dedication.  Only serious applicants need to apply.

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