WARNING: The following is a VP (Vent Post)...if you are having a good day, stop reading. Don't say I didn't warn you!
It's easy most days to stay preoccupied and put on my happy face and some days I even feel happy. But, eventually all the things you bury at the bottom of your emotional pit resurface. Then you have to deal with them and start over. Well, today was my bubble over thanks to an unsettling conversation with my husband. As I sit here typing through swollen eyes I'm stuggling to organize my thoughts enough to express them. I know life is bad for Mike and the guys over there, but I don't spend too much time thinking about it, because I will most definitely drive myself insane. But while talking to Mike tonight, he started letting things slip about how miserable he is. I knew something had been wrong with him, but he's very good at keeping things to himself. He's tired of long days, unbearable heat, hard physical labor and no help with improvements on their living conditions. He doesn't see an end in sight and he's frustrated, miserable and at his wit's end. Morale is low...like, black hole low and he just wants to give up. Can I blame him? No, absolutley not. But from my perspective I see the last few years, actually ever since we were married, of hard knocks, bad breaks and whatever other cliche you can come up with for a hard life. Not ideal for the first leg of marriage. He rejoined the Army so we could have a chance at something better, a chance to enjoy life and enjoy each other without having to worry so much about how we are going to make it to the next day. When he said he wanted to give up, I panicked. We are so close to our goal. To start over now...I...just don't have words. What's bothering me the most is the fact that he has gotten to this point at all. How can I build him up and try to give him the drive to finish when I'm not the one in his shoes? I'm not the one dealing with what he has to deal with over there and how can I begrudge him those feelings? I feel so out of control and like I have no choices left. It's all him. How can I talk about how it's no picnic for me either without sounding spoiled and selfish? I'm frustrated and angry and I'm not going to apologize for it. We are both fighting our own very different battles and it's hard, some days it feels impossible. But what gets me through is that I know this isn't forever, there will be an end. I just wish I could pull him up and help him see that too. That's why I'm frustrated. My hands are tied. I can't hold him and tell him it's going to be ok. I have to try and type it before he changes the subject and just hope that he has a better day and knows that I love and support him. It's frustrating and persistant and that's why I cry. If I didn't I would just be a walking time bomb. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. It's hard for me too, not nearly in the same way, but I have days where I want to give up and he's not here to hold me either. This...just...sucks. This is my bad day...welcome to it.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Normally I try to keep things light and happy on here, but today I feel obligated to post what I'm feeling and what I am feeling right now is anxious. Memorial Day is tomorrow and I will admit that before I met Mike, I knew what Memorial Day was for, but I never appreciated what it really meant until I was involved in this world. To honor our fallen soldiers...to honor those currently serving away from their families. Having a barbeque seems kind of inane now. Most people get a day off and most kids get out of school (if they're still in it) but that's usually as far as it goes. You know what it means to me? Anxiety. It means that while I sit in church watching all the fathers walk the halls with their children, my husband is breaking his back in the sweltering heat wishing he had that priviledge. It means that I spend every moment of consciousness worried about him, where he is, what he is doing and when I will get to hear his voice again. He doesn't get to eat barbeque, although I'm sure he would love to. He doesn't get to watch t.v. or go to the movies or go swimming. He wakes up at 4:30 in the morning (for him) just so he can have a few minutes to talk to me via instant messenging because the rest of his day is so long and hectic that he doesn't get another chance. Even then there are times he will go for a week without getting in touch with me. Though I can't hear him, I can tell just from his typed messages that he's worn thin and that's another thing for me to worry about because I'm not there to help him! We haven't heard each others' voices in over month. My children haven't seen or heard their father in just as long. The other day Gabe said (admittedly after a lot of coaching) "love, Daddy". As sweet as it was for me to hear my little boy say those words, it would have been ever sweeter if his father could have heard him and that breaks...my...heart. Don't feel sorry for me, that's not what this blog is about. We chose this life and knew what we were getting into (sort of). My point is this...enjoy your day off, enjoy your barbeque and enjoy your family, I don't want to take that from anyone. Enjoy it because it's what all of us wish we were doing with our fragmented families. All I ask is that on this day, you think about that and appreciate what you have in front of you, because somewhere near you, someone else's heart is breaking.
at 8:55 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Any of you that know me, know that I talk a lot about a certain series of books called the "Southern Vampire Series" or the "Sookie Stackhouse" novels by Charlaine Harris. Well, in these books it talks about faeries and certain facts about this race. One of these facts is that they physically and emotionally feel better when they are around each other as opposed to alone. Why am I talking about this? Because this week I was invited to a barbeque at my brother-in-law's, fiance's, daughter's house. Wow, that was a mouthful. What it boils down to is Mike's brother and his fiance are coming to Georgia for the weekend to visit her family and invited me over. I am positively giddy about getting to see them and the reason relates to the faery theory. I think that it's cathartic to be around Mike's family when he's gone. To be around someone who shares the same blood and was cut from the same cloth as my husband is the next best thing to being with him. It's almost healing in a way to know that I can be near Mike's brother, who is just an older version of Mike. Now, before I start getting "concerned" phone calls, I don't mean be near him in a creepy, stalker way. But it's almost like my cosmic physical connection to Mike while he's so far away. It sounds like I'm really grasping at straws, and maybe I am, but I crave so badly to be near him and for the sake of my sanity, a lot of times I bury those feelings because it's easier than trying to deal with the saturation of lonliness all the time. So there it is. Some of you may think I'm crazy, but that's ok. It makes sense in my mind! I will enjoy the barbeque and get my "fix" of Hayden. :) I hope everyone has a fun and safe Memorial Day!
at 8:58 PM
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So I was talking to someone tonight who was bouncing a problem off of me, like they usually do. We are each other's "go-to" person when it comes to life's quandries. But she told me that I should write a "Dear Abby-like" column and that got me thinking...dangerous, I know. Well, how about we start a little Q&A right here! If any of my loyal followers, all 4 of you, would like a little advice or just want to bounce an idea off of someone, I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm a good listener and give pretty sound advice. Now, here comes the disclaimer...I am not liscensed and in no way am I a professional, this would be mostly for fun and more on a friend level. Hey, just humor me, it will give me something to do! :) So if you have a question just email it to me and I will post it with my well thought out answer on this blog once a week! Yay!
P.S. You can be completely anonymous, if you so desire! I can be the picture of discretion!
P.S. You can be completely anonymous, if you so desire! I can be the picture of discretion!
at 8:17 PM
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I took the kids over to Aunt Jane's house today to visit with Grandmom and Granddad. While we were sitting there playing with the kids Grandmom started talking about how they used to have family picnics, and it got me thinking. How cool must it have been to live in another time. I know I talk about this a lot, but well, I think about it a lot! Think about a time when there was no tv, no internet, no texting. People actually used to have socialize with each other in person! (gasp) They would go on picnics, have big family dinners, parties, dances, etc. When was the last time you got to go to a dance? High school for me, unless you count the Military Ball last year, but I didn't get to dance so I don't count that. I read a lot of books set in the 19th century and I just love the idea of socializing. I know I'm romantisizing a lot of it, because there were some not so great things about those times, too, but can you imagine? The courtships, intrigue and grand affairs. The society! I think I was born in the wrong era. How romantic would it be to be courted in another time. There were hardly any distractions! Of course people had to make a living, but it wasn't the 12 hours a day, claw-your-way-to-the-top kind of job. A man had time to focus on you. To spend time together, for him to think about you, woo you and really have the time to fall in love. *swoon* It just makes me think that sometimes bigger and faster is not always better. I want to socialize, but those opportunities are rare. People are so busy and we limit our social lives to texting, emailing and networking. Which are fun in their own right, but nothing like being able to just drop by a friends house and visit to share some lemonade on the back porch swapping stories. I want to look forward to a dance where the whole town shows up and you actually get to have a dance card and flirt and laugh. Ok, I need to put down the romance novels...they're starting to mess with my head. I'm just sayin'! :)
at 9:41 PM
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Today I decided to take advantage of my ample spare time and the nice day and check out our local farmer's market. I got all excited to find some yummy local produce like cantelope and watermelon and strawberries! Gracie said she wanted to get blueberries which I have had a terrible time in the past getting her to eat, so I was super excited to get her to try a blueberry! Well, then we got there and there were a handful of booths set up and only two actually had produce. One had some vegetables, lettuce, cabbage, potatoes and the like. The other had our delicious strawberries. Everything else was just a bunch of homemade condiments, spices, baked goods and such. It was a little disappointing, but I decided to make the best of it and see what treasures I could find. So we end up at the salsa booth, yum! Just as we got there the wind picked up and started to take the tent with it and just out of instict I grabbed one of the poles before it could fly away, but there was a brief moment I thought the tent was going to get airborn anyway and this time with me attached! After that I decided to try some of the salsas. I was trying this one and that one attempting to find one I thought would go well with the tamales I just bought (which were another disappointment, I might add). Finally I saw one salsa sitting behind another one. This one didn't have a label, but it looked like pico de gallo, which is my favorite! I grabbed a chip and got a big healthy scoop and popped it in. Immediatley I knew this wasn't pico de gallo and the big chunks of what I thought were tomatoes were very certainly not friendly, sweet tomatoes. Something was terribly wrong. My eyes were welling up and my tongue started tingling. Then the tingling turned into burning, but not a curling iron burn, this was a Mt. Vesuvius burn. My eyesight went blurry around the edges and it felt like I was in a tunnel because there was a dull thrum in my ears. Beads of sweat are forming on my forhead and I swear I felt my heart stop for a moment. I have no idea where my kids are at this point because I am incapcitated due to Dante's Inferno (seventh ring) in my mouth and now creeping down my throat so that I won't be able to cry out for help. I have visions of shrieking through the park to reach the fountain so I can put my mouth directly over one of the spouts...one of the really big ones. After what seemed like an eternity and what I am sure was a vision of the afterlife, I started to come back to my senses, although I am now starting to cough and my nose is running like it's flu season. When I see the woman from the booth I croak out the burning question (haha) "what kinda of salsa is that?" She looked at me a little funny and then said "Oh, that's a Habenero salsa". Oh, well of course it is. Thank you for labeling it so clearly so that unsuspecting, salsa-loving rubes like myself can have an out of body experience. I had no water, no milk, no bread...nothing to soothe my ever fading and forever altered taste buds. My mouth will undoubtedly have PTSD from this experience and every time I look at pica de gallo, there will be a flashback and I will break into a cold sweat and get into the fetal position mumbling something about a lying salsa lady.. I love spicy food, but this "salsa" went so far beyond spicy that the sound from spicy will take 1,000 light years to reach this devil's concoction. At least the strawberries were good, at least that's what I hear from my kids, since everything seems to taste like wood to me now.
Gabe opted for the cookie
at 8:20 PM
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Have you ever had a person in your life, either close to you or someone you met once, that has left such an impression you'll never forget? I have a lot of people who are close to me in my life that I am lucky enough to draw inspiration from. But there is one person imparticular that stands out. I met this girl a couple of years ago and while I wouldn't say we are best friends, I would like to think I can count her as a friend. When I first met her I thought she had it all. She was nice, hip, had style for days and the perfect little family. She always had the cutest haircuts and I never saw her looking frumpy or messy. She had talent coming out of her ears. I admired her. At first the admiration almost bordered on envy. This was at a time where I felt unsure of myself, I felt so bitterly unattractive (after having my first child and all the horrible, unexpected changes to the body!) and I was struggling all around with myself on a personal level. It would bug me that I used to have so much potential and that I used to be somewhat attractive and stylish but that after motherhood I completely lost myself. Not to say there aren't still days that I stuggle with this, becuase boy are there! But then I would see her in a super cute outfit and I started looking at my closet differently, putting effort into choosing my outfits. I would see her with a new haircut and I would go to the salon (something I had gotten away from) and let the stylist work her magic. I started working out and losing weight (something I NEED to start again and will!). I also stared getting serious about my photography. This was a passion that we both shared and I would look at her work in awe, just wanting to get better and be at her level of creativity and technical savvy. I didn't want to copy her, but to achieve my own style and to rock it better than anyone else. It's sounds cheesy to say she is my Muse, but more like someone who drives me to do better, to be better. Then she was hit with an obstacle in her life that would make most of us give up and find a corner to melt into a puddle. But she faced it head on, made huge changes in her life and developed such a passion about it. She wasn't going to take anything lying down and as hard as those changes must have been to make, she did it while laughing in the face of her obstacle. While most of us (including me) would have lost their faith and started questioning life, her faith remained and even grew stronger. I can't think of a better person to be inspired by. If she is reading this, you know who you are. At this point you are either incredibly embarassed to know me or you are flattered. I hope it's the latter, because you deserve the praise. Keep rocking it out in the way that only you can!
at 10:07 PM
Thursday, May 13, 2010
We took a trip to Savannah this past weekend for Mother's Day. Mom and Dad came down with Grandmom and Granddad and we vistited with my mom's parents and the rest of the family and it was a really nice weekend. Well, on Monday I wated to take the kids to me and Mike's old stomping grounds, Tybee Island. My Aunt Dale and her husband (my former neighbors on Tybee) were supposed to go with us, but she called in sick so it was just Paul, her husband. So we made the drive down there and as we crossed the final bridge the memories started flooding back to me. Mike and I met on Tybee, when we both lived there. It was the happiest time of my life. Life was so good then. We drove around a little bit and while I know it was stupid, I couldn't help myself and I drove by Mike's old apartment. I just wanted to badly to see his old red truck parked out front so I could burst through the front door and throw my arms around him. There was no red truck and my chest tightened, but I tried to think of the good things we shared on Tybee. I saw the old restaurants where we would have breakfast every Sunday morning and where we had our first date. The boardwalk by my old apartment that we would walk down at night to stroll the beach and splash each other playfully. This island isn't just where we met and where our romance bloomed, it is us. We are all over that island, our memories and happy dreams. I miss it so much, but I know everything happens for a reason. Things would be so different if we had stayed. We wouldn't have the same happy memories that we can go back and visit anytime, they would be tainted by life. I'm glad I will always have Tybee to go back to and live our romance all over again any time I wish. It is such a special place where I met a special man who makes me so happy. I look forward to going back and celebrating our love on Tybee when Mike returns. Something to look forward to. :)
The boardwalk by my old apartment
at 10:47 PM
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Well, after weeks of talking about, days fretting over it and finally hours completing it, Gracie's Fairy Princess Room is finished!! The painter finished on Friday and on Saturday mom and I went shopping for the final details. Mom can down helped me make things "just so", with her special flair for decorating, that I sadly didn't inherit. But I think it turned out great, so much so in fact, that I have been spending more time in there then Gracie. I actually snuck in while she was sleeping and just stood there admiring. Ahhhh. It feels nice to be done with at least one thing. Now on to Gabe's room and one day, hopefully, mine.
at 9:47 PM