My 365

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The 3 AM Ramblings of a Night Owl

Ok, so we all know that deployments make you crazy.  They also mess with your sleep schedule...big time.  I was already a night owl before Mike left, but now, it's just nuts. 

The other night was one of many nights where I was having trouble sleeping.  When I looked at the clock it said 3 AM.  So I decided to grab a notebook and write Mike a letter.  In the front of this notebook was a note from him from when he left for the last deployment.  I started reading it and I was struck by one line he wrote.  This is where my wacky letter began.  Don't judge me. :)

I am just going to copy the original letter I wrote, word for word.  Keep in mind I was so tired I don't really even remember writing this...

"3:00 AM.  Paper/Pencil.  Thoughts racing, sleep eluding.  So tired my hair hurts, but still can't sleep.  Deployment.  A blessing and a curse.  Strengthening and soul crushing.  Remembering you.  Missing you.  Needing you.  You wrote to me, "I have never been loved as much as you love me."  How did that happen?  What made you finally realize that?  How can I realize that?  Will it last?  Will the mind numbing mantras of positivity I keep repeating hold true?  "It will make us stronger", "if we can make it through this we can make it through anything", "our love will only grow stronger with separation".  Am I just trying to convince myself?  Where are you?  I need your touch.  I need your strength.  It can't be me anymore.  Not all the time.  Where am I?  I need to dream.  I need to go. Please. Love. Me."

Ahhhh, gotta love the deployment crazy...

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