My 365

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Deep Thoughts...

Picture unassuming girl sitting in her living room in the basement of her parents house, wearing a snuggie and listening to the Eclipse soundtrack contemplating life.  If you feel like it, slap on your snuggie and join me down my road of self-reflection.

Do you ever look at yourself and wonder what there is about you that's special?  I don't mean the typical, cookie-cutter responses you get from people like "you're a great friend", "you're such a positive person", or "you're a great mom".  I don't buy it.  If you've ever read my blog at certain times, you know that I'm not always a positive person, I can be a crappy friend at times and I'm nowhere near a great mom, at least from where I see things.  Are my standards for these labels a tad high?  Maybe.  But I still don't see myself as these things, at least I don't see them as a definition of who I am.  So who am I?  You got me.  That's the question that runs over and over in my mind like a skipping cd (I tried to modernize the old "broken record" metaphor, did ya like that?)  Anyway.  I've always been just okay at things.  I've never really excelled at anything.  I was an A-B student, first chair of the second flutes in the band, a defensive player on the soccer team not the big scorer (my mom has pointed out that I was never really that good at soccer), nice looking but never the pretty girl and the list goes on.  I am always one step behind.  Which brings me to my next question.  What does it take to be extraordinary?  I think the terms of that definition have definitely evolved over the years.  Boundaries keep getting pushed, records keep getting broken until what?  We become superhuman?  The proverbial bar is rising higher and coming from a person who was always a beat behind the winner, is it realistic of me to think I will ever reach it, let alone rise above it?  Likely it's not realistic.  Which has been both my crutch and my hindrance. 

I want to find my purpose in life.  A purpose which is not defined by my ability to bear children or make a friend rather by a true talent.  Something I can be proud of.  Something my family can be proud of.  Something that people who know me will say "hey, I know her and she's fabulous".  I'm not necessarily talking about fame.  That dream died after an ill-fated audition for the high school production of "Fiddler on the Roof", but hey, that's another story and another notch on the "Not Quite Good Enough" belt.  I'm talking about sharing a part of yourself with the world and having the world relate to it and appreciate it.  Recognition.  But in order to achieve recognition, you have to actually put yourself out there.  This is where my crutch comes in. 

Given my track record I have such a inhibiting fear of failure that I can't even bring myself to take the first step towards my goal.  Right now I am talking of course about writing.  I also love photography, but have reserved myself to the fact that I will never be the best at it and I am ok with that.  I would rather just keep setting personal goals to improve my skill in that arena.  Writing, however, is another ballgame.  I enjoy it, I've been told that I'm good at it.  So what's holding me back?  The fear that I'm not actually that good.  That people are just saying nice things to me because they are nice people that care about me (which is not a bad quality to have ;).  I read other blogs and books and just think to myself "that person is so much better than me, so why bother?"  I know, I know.  It's annoying to me too.  Can you imagine having to listen to my inner dialogue all the time?  Oh, kind of are listening to it.  My apologies.  This is a personal challenge that I will have to overcome if I ever want to acheive my dream.  I need to reserve myself to the fact that I will not ever be the best at anything, but that shouldn't stop me from doing what I love, right?  Screw the world and it's standards!  Keep your record breaking, boundary pushing, bar raising and your stupid first place.  I'm here to make second place look good.  Cheers!


  1. my inner monologue + your inner monologue = besties for life! Ha! Perhaps we should open some sort of place together. Pool our creativity to become a super force. : ) Love ya.

  2. Check and check...where should we open this den of fabulousness? I'm so there.

  3. Your thoughts reflect what 99.9 percent of us in the world have thought about ourselves at some point of our lives. Even those who are truly "great" at something (according to worldly standards) have likely compared themselves to someone else and wondered the same thing. Because there is always someone prettier, smarter, more talented, right? I've often become discouraged with the same thoughts about myself, but then I think that even tho I don't excel at any one particular thing, I do a lot of things good enough. Doesn't mean I'm complacent, but I think that doing lots of things good enough while always striving to improve on the most important stuff is what makes us well-rounded, a good person, a good mother. If you think about those people who are truly the BEST at something, you'll see that their life isn't perfect -- family time is sacrificed for fame or career, life becomes a lot more ego-centric. God obviously thinks we are extraordinary because otherwise we wouldn't be here being tested with the potential to be Gods and Goddesses, right? It all comes down to the simplicity of primary - we are children of God. And in the end, that is the best of the best.

    (Hope this didn't feel too "preachy" ... just my own thoughts when dealing with the same feelings about myself.

    xoxo. miss you, friend.

  4. Thanks, Clairissa and you're right. I think it takes these moments of "self reflection" to see what we have right now and where we want to be. It helps me set goals, see what's in my way of those goals (myself) and ultimately achieving them. Sometimes you just need to take an inventory of your life! I miss you too!