Motherhood...who knew?

I was driving to pick up Gracie at school today and I have to drive by the high school which is when I noticed a girl and her mom sitting in their car.  The mom was obviously having a heated, one-sided conversation with her daughter with her hands flying about and blatantly yelling at her daughter.  The daughter, however, was texting on her phone...completely tuning her mom out.  I could tell all this through the windshield.  That got me thinking about Gracie and wondering if that was going to be us in a few years.  Lord help me, I hope not.  But, since Gracie started school it has me thinking about all the things that come along with it and I am terrified.  I'm scared of all the things she may and will come across through her adolescent years.  Will she fit in?  She's SO much bigger than all the other kids her age...will that always be the case?  And then will they make fun of her?  Will she be bullied?  Then I will be terrified of the jail time I will have to do for smacking around the kid that hurt her.  Having to prove myself in the yard everyday will take a lot of energy and I just don't have it.

Then will she meet a boy?  Will she fall in love?  Will he break her heart?  Will I have to violate my parole and put the smack down on the little punk who breaks her heart?  I feel so fiercely protective of my little girl.  I'm sure I will feel the same way about Gabe, but since he is still under the protection of my wing I guess it's not at the forefront.  I just worry SO much about Gracie and realize that this is where motherhood is really put to the test.  It's such an impossible, yet ultimately the most important job to mold their little minds, instill their morals and values and to keep their precious and fragile little egos intact.  How do you come away from that unscathed?  I just hope that she will be strong enough to handle herself but compassionate enough to see the good in people and that she will have no problem making friends.  Oh, the anxiety.  I think I'm having a panic attack.  I guess because there is so much of this you can't control and up until this point I had (somewhat) control over her entire environment. 

Until now, I always had this lingering feeling that I wasn't mature enough to be a parent.  I still feel like the kid a lot of the time, unsure, unprepared and unskilled.  But ultimately, when your kids grow up...so do you. 

Facebook Follies

I am just as addicted to facebook as the next person.  I love getting on there and reconnecting with old friends, leaving snarky comments and basically just keeping in touch with everyone in one swoop.  It's also great when I'm having a bad day and just need a virtual hug.  We all have those days.  So in all the time I've been on facebook I've noticed a pattern of certain people and their posts.  I'm going to list my top three worst facebook offenders.  You'll know them.  Everyone has at least one of these people haunting their friends list and you know you get just as annoyed as I do.  Or maybe I'm just crabby, either way...

1.  The Chronic Misspeller - I've been guilty of misspelling one, maybe two words in a post when I've been sleepy or otherwise distracted.  I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about people who practically misspell every single word in their posts.  It gets to the point where I have to spend extra time just trying to decipher what they are trying to say.  It's like they are actually speaking another language.  This can also go hand in hand for people who use excessive "text slang".  ur, lol, l8r, brb, ogg, ttyl and it goes on and on and on.  I'm not claiming to be the best speller in the world, but I know that the word "was" is not spelled with a "z".  If these people are doing this on purpose (which I highly doubt) it's not cute, it's not funny and it makes me violent.  Get a dictionary.

2.  Debbie Downer - Once again, I have posted on occasion when I am having a bad day and need a hug...but...I don't do this everyday.  I don't even do this every week.  It's rare.  But there are some people out there who feel it is necessary that I know the mundane details of their sad little lives.  These people are not the every-once-in-a-while posters, they are the post-every-five-mintues-because-I-have-nothing-else-to-do posters.  Every post is somehow a variation of the following "Life sucks", "I'm done", "Bad day as usual" or "I wish I could run away" or even the "call out" which goes something like "I hate liars", "tell me to my face", or I 've even seen "My husband told me he wants a divorce".  Now I can understand needing to vent some feelings.  But when everything you post goes down the toilet and I need a Zanex just to read it, there's a problem.  I don't want to hear it.  Everyone has their problems and sometimes we choose to share, but I do not want to see something negative on my page from you every hour of every day.  Keep it to yourself.  And things like "divorce" need to stay private.  Do not plaster that crap all over facebook, I mean, seriously?

3.  Lovebirds - The complete opposite of "Debbie Downer" this person feels it necessary to share every little intimate detail of their relationship.  I'm happy for you that you have someone who makes you happy.  Post when you have a great date, when they do something special, when you get engaged, that's all fine!  I will gush with you.  But when you post excessively every day about how wonderful your man is, how sexy he is, what he said to you that day, what he did for you that day, well, quite frankly it makes me want to toss my cookies.  This one is especially annoying to me right now because I don't have the opportunity to do those things with my husband and, yes, I'm jealous.  But, even if my husband was home I would not be sharing that much information about our relationship.  I don't want to hear about the bubble bath you took together while sharing a bottle of wine!  Is nothing sacred?  Is it fair for me to dog these people who are just in love?  Maybe not, I didn't say I was entirely rational.  It's not their fault that my husband is not here and I am not blaming them but I'm highly emotional with a short fuse, so I don't really care if I offend you.  You are offending me.  Knock it off, lovebirds, and get a room.

Did I miss anyone?  My word gun is still loaded and my trigger finger is feeling itchy!  :)

The A/C Nazi

So it's been averaging 95 degrees outside with enough humidity to drown a horse.  It's been averaging 79 degrees in the house and that's with air conditioning.  There's nothing wrong with the a/c units, my dad purposefully sets the thermostat to 79.  I'm losing it.  I know why Dad is doing this, he's not masochistic.  He has his reasons (astronomical electric bills) and I get it.  I'm just having a hard time living with it.  Everytime I try to sneak the temperature down one or two degrees, Dad will check it and put it right back up where it was.  He even bought locking covers for the thermostats so that "Gabe" couldn't mess with them.  He hasn't used them yet...I'm sure that day is coming. 

I wake up in the morning sweating.  Getting dressed makes me sweat.  Walking upstairs makes me sweat.  I try putting on my make-up and I sweat it off faster than I can get it on.  I'm living in a constant state of sweat.  I don't and haven't been cooking, because let's be honest, if you were living on the edge of a volcano would you want to jump into the flames?  It's starting to get to me.  I'm turning into a raving lunatic!  Well, more than usual.  There is just something about being hot all the time that will eventually drive you mad.  I think my brain has gone from a simmer to a rolling boil and needless to say, it's cooked.  My temper is out of control.  I had a short temper before but now it's like I wake up with teeth clenched, fists balled and ready for a fight.  I pity the fool who crosses my path at the wrong time right now.  The grocery store clerk who feels he is above his job and any common courtesy will never see it coming.  And honestly he would derseve a taste of my wrath.  If I had the means I would blow up the sun.  Yeah, I'm that hot.

Now, having said that.  I feel stupid for complaining because Mike has it ten times worse than me.  I told him that today after winding down from my rant.  He understands and doesn't fault me for complaining, but still.  Stupid.  It's all about perspective.  Just stay outta my way until fall. :)

Makes Ya Think...

I came across this article the other day that really resonated with me.  Strangely it is an article written by Betty Friedan in 1960.  I never thought I would so closely relate to an article written before I was born, but I guess some thoughts and feelings never change.  Click here to read the article titled "Women are People Too", and I do urge you to read it. 

It comes to me at a time where I find myself struggling with a "quarter life crisis" and asking the question, "Is this it?".  Where my current roles in life as a wife and mother are extremely important ones that I cherish, I know that this is not where my story ends.  It's figuring out what else I have to offer and the path to get there that is the most challenging.  As I struggle down my path of self-reflection and realizing my self worth I find that I am not the only one asking this question.  In fact this seems to be the question of the ages for most women.  Where this can be frustrating at times, it is also comforting to know that this struggle is not only mine.  I have figured out the answers to some of my queries and am still working on others.  But I am finally coming into my own and realizing who I really am and who I want to be, and that is liberating.  Although I think this is a lifelong journey, it's nice to be thrown a bone now and then.

First Day of School

My baby, my first born, my little girl...she started school today.  I thought I was handling it well.  I looked at it as a positive thing.  She was excited, I was excited.  It was a win-win.  Mom took her shopping over the weekend and she got some very stylin' new clothes for school.  She picked out her outfit two days before school started, then this morning, like a girl, she changed her mind and picked another one which was equally as cute.  We got to the school, the teacher opened the car door and she hopped out and went in and never looked back.  I watched her walk into that school with her backpack on and she looked so small.  Suddenly I yearned for my baby girl.  She's been with me for the last four years.  Nonstop.  Then it hit me that those days were gone forever.  This is the first step towards her leaving me!  I thought I was handling it well.  I wasn't.  I cried all the way home.  This is still a good thing and she loved it.  My little girl is growing up.

Welcome to "Loser-ville"

Ok, so maybe I'm being a wee bit dramatic.  I'm not a loser, I know I'm not...right?  RIGHT?  Where is this all coming from?  Well, let me tell you.

I decided to take the two older kids to the movies tonight because we haven't really gotten the chance to do anything without the little kids.  I love my babies, but let's face it...they can cramp your style when you want to go DO things.  It used to take me 30 minutes to get out of the house including wardrobe, hair and make up.  Now, it takes me an hour and a half to get the kids dressed, fed, watered and diaper bags checked and double checked for appropriate supplies.  That is IF I have pre-planned the diaper bag the night before and made sure it was stocked with the right amount of gear for the length of time we will be gone, plus extra for those trips that always take longer than expected.  For example I always include an extra set of clothes now because of one day trip Mike and I decided to take on a whim back in Colorado (note: "whims" and "children" SO do not play well together).  Well, we did not have a day trip bag packed, we had a "trip to the grocery store" bag packed.  After over an hour of driving we arrived at where we were going to stop and both kids had wet pants (stupid Huggies).  We had no spare set of clothes so what were we to do?  After huffing and puffing and discussing whether or not to just change the diapers and turn around to go home, we decided to turn the heat in the car on full blast, put it on defrost and set their moist pants on top.  Voila!  Dry pants in 5 minutes!  It fixed our situation then, but I would rather play it safe now, instead of having to employ the "Defrost Dryer" method.  But I digress...

So I asked the kids if they wanted to go (duh!), what movie they wanted to see and if they would last through the late night!  Our plans were set and we were going to see "The Last Airbender" after the babies went to bed.  Later this afternoon, Charlene comes in with her friend and informs (yes, inform, not ask, inform) me that she will be joining us and then spending the night afterward.  Well, ok.  I was cool about it and said, "Sure"!  Then I was cool and stopped at the drugstore (let's not get crazy, a small drink at the theater costs $5!) and let them all pick whatever soda and candy they wanted!  We get to the theater and they ask if they can sit at the very top and I agreed thinking we were all going to sit at the top.  So I get there and start down the center aisle but when I turn around I see that I am alone.  They have already planted themselves on the end where there are only two seats, ensuring that I could not sit with them.  I shouldn't be surprised, I was a kid once.  But I hate to admit that I stood there for a second, shocked.  I finally reserved my self to sit down, alone, and try to look inconspicuous.  After a while I came to the realization that while I'm too uncool to sit with the kids, this arrangement did have it's perks.  I got the bag of popcorn I bought to share all to myself.  I got to watch a movie with no interruptions, no chatter, no having to sit inbetween anyone to break up arguments.  BOTH armrests all to myself.  This isn't bad at all.  If you can get over the whole "I'm a mom now and therefore part of the un-cool club" blow to the ego, it's really quite enjoyable!  I'm still cool, though.  Those kids just don't appreciate my brand of cool yet!  Word.