Sleepless in Sugar Hill

I know everyone hates a party pooper and I promise every entry into this blog won't be depressing, but right now I can only feel what I feel.  The other night I was trying to go to sleep and I was certainly tired enough but as I laid there and stared at my phone I was sucker punched by the reality that I hadn't heard from Mike in a couple of days and he was really gone and I really couldn't just pick up the phone and call him.  I sat up in bed and just started crying.  Sitting in a dark, quiet room I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness, which is why I usually sleep with the t.v. on.  So I picked up my phone and posted on Facebook that he was gone and I was feeling it.  One of the reasons I love Facebook is that when you are feeling that alone you get on the computer and reach out to your online family...and just hope that someone is paying attention and is willing to reach back.  I appreciate all the support everyone shows and I understand it when someone tells me that "I'm strong" and I can handle it but sometimes I don't want to be strong.  I don't have the energy to put the brave face on.  I just want to lay my head on someone's lap where they would stroke my hair and just let me cry.  I just want to be held by the one person who can't be here to complete the task.  So I have to settle for sitting in bed in a dark room and crying by myself.  That's the loneliest feeling in the world.  So here I am again, late at night, unable to face that lonely bed in the dark room even though I could sleep on my feet at this point, reaching out to my everpresent online family...hoping for someone to pay attention.