My 365

Monday, May 31, 2010

Rainy Days

WARNING:  The following is a VP (Vent Post)...if you are having a good day, stop reading.  Don't say I didn't warn you!

It's easy most days to stay preoccupied and put on my happy face and some days I even feel happy.  But, eventually all the things you bury at the bottom of your emotional pit resurface.  Then you have to deal with them and start over.  Well, today was my bubble over thanks to an unsettling conversation with my husband.  As I sit here typing through swollen eyes I'm stuggling to organize my thoughts enough to express them.  I know life is bad for Mike and the guys over there, but I don't spend too much time thinking about it, because I will most definitely drive myself insane.  But while talking to Mike tonight, he started letting things slip about how miserable he is.  I knew something had been wrong with him, but he's very good at keeping things to himself.  He's tired of long days, unbearable heat, hard physical labor and no help with improvements on their living conditions.  He doesn't see an end in sight and he's frustrated, miserable and at his wit's end.  Morale is, black hole low and he just wants to give up.  Can I blame him?  No, absolutley not.  But from my perspective I see the last few years, actually ever since we were married, of hard knocks, bad breaks and whatever other cliche you can come up with for a hard life.  Not ideal for the first leg of marriage.  He rejoined the Army so we could have a chance at something better, a chance to enjoy life and enjoy each other without having to worry so much about how we are going to make it to the next day.  When he said he wanted to give up, I panicked.  We are so close to our goal.  To start over now...I...just don't have words.  What's bothering me the most is the fact that he has gotten to this point at all.  How can I build him up and try to give him the drive to finish when I'm not the one in his shoes?  I'm not the one dealing with what he has to deal with over there and how can I begrudge him those feelings?  I feel so out of control and like I have no choices left.  It's all him.  How can I talk about how it's no picnic for me either without sounding spoiled and selfish?  I'm frustrated and angry and I'm not going to apologize for it.  We are both fighting our own very different battles and it's hard, some days it feels impossible.  But what gets me through is that I know this isn't forever, there will be an end.  I just wish I could pull him up and help him see that too.  That's why I'm frustrated.  My hands are tied.  I can't hold him and tell him it's going to be ok.  I have to try and type it before he changes the subject and just hope that he has a better day and knows that I love and support him.  It's frustrating and persistant and that's why I cry.  If I didn't I would just be a walking time bomb.  I guess that's what I'm trying to say.  It's hard for me too, not nearly in the same way, but I have days where I want to give up and he's not here to hold me either.  This is my bad day...welcome to it.

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