My 365

Friday, September 10, 2010

What the....?

It can be an agonizing feat trying to navigate my way through the ups and downs of deployment.  Sometimes I think I am just blaming the ever-convenient deployment for my own natural ups and downs.  But, in my defense, my moods do seem to be soaring and plunging more frequently through peaks and valleys since the the blame is justified, at least in my worbled mind.

I have felt so weird for the last few days.  Weird is such a general term but I honestly can't think of another way to describe it because I don't know what I am actually feeling.  If someone were to ask me right now the question that is so often asked, "How are you doing?", I would not be able to answer with a customary "fine".  I am not good, I am not bad, I'm just here.  In limbo.  It feels like I am in this state of perpetual waiting.  Like my life has turned into a really bad doctor's office waiting room.  I don't know what I'm waiting for.  Yes, I'm waiting for Mike's R&R, both with anticipation and anxiety.  I'm waiting to figure out what the next chapter of my life will entail.  I'm waiting to find out what mine and Mike's futures hold.  So many things are uncertain and for a person who generally likes to have a road map and destination, this makes for a general uneasiness.  I guess that's what I would call the weirdness.  I'm fidgety with the vagueness of our future.  Sure, he comes home and I will be giddy with relief but then what?  Will we stay here, where will he live, will we be transferred, how are we going to never ends.  These are questions I would like answers to, but not really questions I want to ponder.  Because in doing so will probably mean some unwanted reality checks and some unwanted answers.  I guess it would just be nice to know what I'm supposed to be doing, because I have that nagging feeling that I'm missing something.  I know that I'm not supposed to have all the answers...where's the fun in that, right?  But I do know that sometimes there are hints along the way and I just feel like I missed one, leaving me unprepared for the test.  Patience has never been my strong suit...I'm an instant gratification kind of gal.  But unfortunately patience is probably the one thing staring me in the face saying "duh".  Sometimes I'd like to punch patience in the face and move on to solution.  But, I guess for now I will begrudgingly sit next to patience in the waiting room hoping my name is called next.  I did hijack all the good magazines, though, so try being patient and bored.  Stupid patience.  It's the small victories.

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