The Inner Workings of My Insomnia

Most of you know by now that I don't sleep...at night.  I could sleep the day away with no problem, which of course is not possible...kids and all.  They keep waking me up for silly things like food and water.  So I trudge through the day in first gear, never quite making it to second, until the sun goes down.  Maybe I was secretly bitten by vampire, hence my nightly tendencies...Edward, here I come!  Or Eric, I'll take either one!  Oh, sorry, I was having a little daydream.  Anyways....

So nighttime comes and I face the dreaded bed knowing that even if I'm drop dead tired, I will toss and turn for hours never quite getting the pillow right, always searching for the last cool spot in the sheets with my foot, going back and forth between pulling the covers up to my chin and throwing a leg out when I inevitably get hot.  Most of you also know that I sleep with the t.v. on and it is always tuned into TV Land.  In the background while I'm channeling my inner flounder I can hear the shows that are on and I can tell where I am at in the night by which show is on.  I will now break down my super secret bat-code for you all because, well, because it's 2:30 AM and (surprise!) I'm awake!

If I fall asleep before...

• Everybody Loves Raymond - it's just unheard of, moving on...
• Roseanne - I'm in very good shape and will most likely graduate from resembling the living dead to a crusty pirate the next day....Argggg!
• The Nanny - I'm still in fairly good shape although I will probably have to forfeit the hairbrush in the morning in order to get Gracie to school on time.  They should be pretty used to that by now, at least the staring has stopped.
• Cosby Show - Starting to get a little chancy here, this is pretty much the threshold between life and death.  This is when I hear Mike saying "Eject, eject, eject! Watch the canopy!"
• Home Improvement - This is bad news.  This means not only will I not be coherent enough to dress myself in the morning, but Gracie may suffer a mismatched sock or two in the process.  Oh, the innocent children.
• Three's Company - Go ahead and hang it up because at this point it would probably be easier to just stay up rather than try and salvage the few hours left until dawn.  This is when I drive to school and back realizing when I get home as I look down at the keys in my hand that I have no idea how I got there and have no recollection of that morning's drive.  I have a halo of frizz around my head, a full set of luggage under my eyes and someone has managed to fill my shoes with lead, not to mention the fact that I'm still in my pajamas and yes, I drove my child to school that way.  This will be a nap day.  Bad Three's Company...don't come knock on my door anymore!

Good Night!  Oh, and by the way...Home Improvement is on right now.  Look out!