The Evolution of a Woman's Rage

WARNING: This post contains a maniacal rant about woman-things.  Aka, menstration.  Continue at your own risk.

As I sit here holding my middle waiting for the vice to be removed from my lady parts, I pondered the woman's life cycle and how much of it is spent pissed off.  We can be unpredictable, irrational and downright angry creatures at times.  But this anger is not random...it is cultivated and occasionally poked with a stick.

Think about it.  As teenagers we have the humiliation of puberty thrust upon us.  We suffer the same hormonal rages, out of control skin and the ever changing landscape of our body as the boys.  Only add in nature's cruelest joke with no punchline...the period.  I seriously thought I was going to die the first time I had mine.  Then after I figured out that I wasn't going to die, but in fact was going to live with this affliction for many, many, many years to come.  Well, suddenly death didn't seem so bad.  Thus begins the monthly cycle of rage.  We are forced to deal with high school (and middle school for some of us lucky ones), peer pressure, growing pains (figurative and literal ones) all while wearing a Simmons Beauty Rest in our pants and tiny knives stabbing us in the abdomen and back incessantly for 5 days a month, while we hemorrhage. 

So we make it through the end stages of puberty and things slowly start to even out in our twenties.  By now we've figured out how to anticipate D-Day and may have even graduated from the mattress to a less bulky, but much more invasive form of absorption.  Now we have moved on to the joys of PMS.  When we were teenagers and the hormones were raging all the time, we didn't really notice a difference.  Now, however, there is at least one week out of every month before D-Day where you turn into another person.  We turn into a raging, crying, bi-polar train wreck with cravings.  Cravings that if go unsatisfied will only result in senseless violence.  Just eat the chocolate and save a man.  Also around this time we have probably become acquainted with a man.  This is where we get to the "poked with a stick" portion of our rage cultivation.  Men, knowingly or not, will inevitably always say or do the wrong thing at the wrong time.  They are not trying to be provoking, they really just don't know any better.  They are the children with a stick poking the snake to see the reaction.  Curious creatures, they are.  Well, men, let me ruin the ending for you...eventually when the snake is poked enough, it will strike, with more venom than you can possibly fathom.  Go lick your wounds, you'll be fine.  The snake, however, will just be that much more primed for the kill next time.

There is short reprieve if pregnancy is achieved, but let me tell you, pregnancy comes with a whole new set of delightful hormonal tidbits...so don't get too excited.  But, that's another topic all together.

Then what?  We have about another 20 years of this up and down funhouse of horror before...menopause!  Well, gee, THAT'S something to look forward to.  We've come full circle, I suppose, back to the constant hormonal rage of puberty only now we get have hot flashes and irregular periods.  And this can last for years.  YEARS!!! 

So it's no wonder that we can be a tad irrational at times or maybe even a bit demanding or harsh.  I don't even like myself when I'm PMSing.  But considering the incredible amount of bull snot we have to put up with for half a month, every month, I think maybe we deserve a reprieve.  Just keep yourself "busy" with other things so you don't become a victim of our often ugly and uncontrollable rage.  We probably don't want to see you either, so win-win.

I can't remember the name of the comedian who said it but this is one line I will always remember.  "There is no other creature on earth who can bleed for 5 days straight and NOT DIE!"  That's right.  Fear me.