I was driving to pick up Gracie at school today and I have to drive by the high school which is when I noticed a girl and her mom sitting in their car. The mom was obviously having a heated, one-sided conversation with her daughter with her hands flying about and blatantly yelling at her daughter. The daughter, however, was texting on her phone...completely tuning her mom out. I could tell all this through the windshield. That got me thinking about Gracie and wondering if that was going to be us in a few years. Lord help me, I hope not. But, since Gracie started school it has me thinking about all the things that come along with it and I am terrified. I'm scared of all the things she may and will come across through her adolescent years. Will she fit in? She's SO much bigger than all the other kids her age...will that always be the case? And then will they make fun of her? Will she be bullied? Then I will be terrified of the jail time I will have to do for smacking around the kid that hurt her. Having to prove myself in the yard everyday will take a lot of energy and I just don't have it.
Then will she meet a boy? Will she fall in love? Will he break her heart? Will I have to violate my parole and put the smack down on the little punk who breaks her heart? I feel so fiercely protective of my little girl. I'm sure I will feel the same way about Gabe, but since he is still under the protection of my wing I guess it's not at the forefront. I just worry SO much about Gracie and realize that this is where motherhood is really put to the test. It's such an impossible, yet ultimately the most important job to mold their little minds, instill their morals and values and to keep their precious and fragile little egos intact. How do you come away from that unscathed? I just hope that she will be strong enough to handle herself but compassionate enough to see the good in people and that she will have no problem making friends. Oh, the anxiety. I think I'm having a panic attack. I guess because there is so much of this you can't control and up until this point I had (somewhat) control over her entire environment.
Until now, I always had this lingering feeling that I wasn't mature enough to be a parent. I still feel like the kid a lot of the time, unsure, unprepared and unskilled. But ultimately, when your kids grow up...so do you.