Rambling

Do you ever find yourself apologizing to someone for the way you look?  Is it so bad that I came out of the house without make-up, two day hair in a bun and wearing yoga pants, that I actually feel the need to apologize for inflicting my appearance on your senstive eyes?  The truth is the person I'm apologizing to probably doesn't care, didn't notice in the first place but now that I've brought attention to it notices I'm disheveled and now thinks I'm a little crazy.  The truth is I apologized because I was offended at how I looked, but it seems that I have just given up.  I think deployments do that to you or maybe it's kids or some diabolical combination of both.  Who am I trying to impress?  My kids are the only ones who see me all the time and I assure you, they don't care what I'm wearing as long as they get their milk in the mornings.  My husband is gone, so who exactley should I get dolled up for?  My grandmother always told me "never leave the house withouth make-up, even if you're just going to the grocery store, because you never know who you will run into".  Good advice, I just don't care.  I don't have the energy to care.  Day after day of doing the same thing, fighting the same battles and feeling the same way start to affect your joi de vive.  Days start bleeding into each other and before I know it, it's Wednesday and I haven't washed my hair in two days.  It's easy to fall victim to the demands of kids.  I can't be alone in the bathroom at any time, let alone trying to take a shower.  Kids are running through the house destoying everything in their path, or they're in the bathroom with me opening the shower door, climbing on the sink and making a waterfall with the faucet or something else that I will ultimately have to repair.  So the only safe time to shower is at night if I'm not too exhausted.  It spirals downward from there.  If I can't find a good time to shower, when the heck am I going to fix my hair and put on make up?  It just doesn't seem realistic.  But here's the thing, I always feel a little better when I look somewhat put together.  I am more confident and dare I say it?  Pleasant.  So maybe it's time the pity train left the station and I put a bit more effort into my appearance.  I'm not giving up my stretchy pants all together just yet, but will at least be putting other clothes into the rotation. 


Now on to the other deployment related topic.  Sorry if this all seems random, but that's kinda how my mind works.  I'm scattered.  Why is it that I sleep so much better on the sofa than in my bed?  My theory?  On the sofa you can snuggle up to the back and it feels secure, like when your husband is in bed with you.  When you try to sleep in an empty bed after having someone to snuggle with for so long, it can be difficult.  It's why most wives that I know have trouble sleeping...not the only reason, but the most prominent one.  In the bed alone with your back exposed, it just feels...vulnerable.  Sleeping on the sofa may ease that need some, but it has it's drawbacks.  The sharp pains shooting down my leg and up my spine for one.  It's not great for the back.  But, hey, you get a little, you give a little, right?  I must be crazy because I just described a marriage in talking about my relationship with my sofa.  So I guess there's the lesson...deployments make you a little crazy, roll with it!